I served as Young Men Leader of my ward and Councellor in the Stake Young Men Presidency and was focusing on the work for the church. I really loved the gospel and the service for my brothers and sisters. So I developed within my ward and stake to a young man who was used as an example to others and nobody was knowing anything about my deepest hours and feelings. I was fighting and was ingnoring my feelings. I lived a pure life and hoped that one day I would find a loving wife and everything would be fine.
1987 I was called to serve a mission in the England Bristol mission. I was a well prepared missionary. Since I joined the church I was looking forward to the day to serve as a missionary of the Lord. When I prepared myself for this service I read an speech of one general authority, adressing young men and promising them, if they serve a honorable mission they would be blessed by the Lord and the hardest temptation of there life would be taken off them. So I even focused more and more on my calling, hopeing that after a successful mission to be released from this wrong feelings and to have no more to suffer through them.
So I went to the mission field, worked very hard, served as District- and Zone Leader and brought people unto Christ. How great was my joy to serve the Lord. During my mission I gained a deep knowledge of the gospel but even more a very deep and beautiful testimony of our Savior Jesu Christ and his unconditioned love for us.
1989 I returned honorable from the mission field and was called as stake executive secretary. Everybody around me was waiting that I would get married and many thought how lucky the wife would be who would get me as a husband. But one thing really troubled me, the promise was not fulfilled. Although I served a honorable mission I was still having those feelings. And even worst I recognized that in difference to those things the church leaders taught I never, never in my life made a concious decision to be that way. I noticed that I simply was that way, I´ve been gay and I never choosed to be that way. It was simply that way. But I wanted to be part of the church and serve there, so I ignored everything.
Than I was ordained a High Priest (pretty young of age) and than called as 1st Councellor to the bishop of my ward. My bishop was very loveing and careing man. But even to him I could´nt talk about my inner being. I worked very close with him and learned so much. My stake president urged me to find a wife as he wanted to recommend me to be called as new bishop to the First Presidency. I loved the service and every second where I could help and support my fellow brothers and sisters. I was having many friends within the church.
But 1991 developed to be a year with dramatic changes in my life. I gave a lot of love to my ward but the time came when I wanted also to have somebody on my side to love and care for and to be loved by. And I knew that this could not be a woman. I´ve done a lot of prayer, study, research and fasting. It was not easy at all, but I came to the conclusion that I´m loved and made by my heavenly parents the way I´am. So there was no other choice for me than to leave the church. I talked to my bishop and asked him to be taken of the records. He cried when he listened to my story. I lived till that day according to the law of chastity, never had any sexual relationsships with a man. But I wanted to have a partner and wanted to have a clean cut from the church, before I started my new life.
My bishop drove with me to the stake president, they offered all help and urged me to stay in the church. But I made up my mind and they could not change my decision. So they asked me to still fulfill my calling in the bishopric till the next ward conference where they would release me and call somebody else. This ward conference was the last time I attended my ward as a member of the church and after the service I said farewell to some good friends there, nobody except one was knowing what was going on. When I left for this last time my ward building I could not supress me crying.
A short time later I received a letter that according to my wish I was taken of the records, no church court was held.
So I started my gay life on the one side and on the other side I tried to continue to live my life as a Latter Day Saint would do. During this time I read the book “Good bye I love you” from Carol Lynn Pearson and I recognized I was not alone, it gave me so much comfort and help.
End of 1991 I´ve met my first partner. A wonderful man, we lived in a monogamous relationship, the only thing which was between us was my faith in Jesus Christ and his aggression against any faith or church. I was very patient, but I desired so much a partner with whom I could pray and live the gospel.
In the beginning of our relationship he wanted to know more about the church I belonged to, so for the first and only time after I left the church we attended the sacrament service in my old ward. It was hurting a lot, as many members totally ingnored me and most of them even avoided talking with me after the service. Only my bishop did something I never will forget. Directly after the service, before he left the chapel and the congregation stood up to leave, he came to us, welcomed us and talked to us so that everybody could hear it, he said: “It´s a pleasure to have you with us and please know that you and your partner will always be welcomed to attend any service or activity of the church”. This relationship lasted till 1999. We separated, because I expected more from an partnership, I wanted to live a christian partnership. And in the same year we separated the miracle happened. I´ve met the love of my life. It sounds crazy, but I know the Lord guided us to each other.
We met by “accident” in a different part of Germany. When we met I felt like knowing him from the preexistence. He is member of the protestant church and we both try to live or partnership on the principles Christ taught, every day we pray together and study the bible. I´m still not belonging to any church, as my heart is still with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And now, even more than 10 years after I left the church, from time to time I cry and feel pain beyond description as I miss the church, the work and service there and the holy temple. But I also get comfort from the Lord who confirms every day of my life that I´m his beloved son and that he and my heavenly mother are always with me. That they are happy about the Love I live.
But still there is so much pain, I´m praying for the day, that I can return to the Lord´s church. When not in this world, I know in the future to come.
Now I start investigating the Community of Christ (Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). I don´t know if this might be my spiritual home in the future. I study and pray very intense about this topic and will take some time, maybe years for this effort before I will make a decision. I hope the Lord will continue to guide me as he has done till today.
Joachim Westermann
Bochum – Germany
Email: joachim@palmuser.de
