Gay Mormon Stories - Marilyn Johnson

Marilyn Johnson

1410 Kew Gardens Court

San Jose, California 95120

President Ezra Taft Benson

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

Church Office Building

Salt Lake City, Utah 84150

Dear President Benson: February 10, 1993

My name is Marilyn Call Johnson. I am a life-long, faithful, active member of the Church, raised in Brigham City, Utah, and now living in San Jose, California. My twenty-four year old daughter, Denise, confided in me recently that she is a lesbian. For Christmas, she gave me a book called Different Daughters, which is a collection of essays, interviews and a story written by mothers of lesbian daughters. She asked me to write an essay of my own describing my response to the book and to her lesbianism. The enclosed letter is the result.

I would appreciate very much your reading the letter to my daughter carefully and thoughtfully and researching the topic with an honest, open mind.

Thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely yours,

Marilyn Johnson

Almaden Second Ward, San Jose South Stake

Dear Denise, January 13, 1993

I just finished reading the beautiful book you gave me for Christmas, Different Daughters, and my feelings are all warm and happy and grateful. Thank you so much for sharing this lovely book with me. I especially identified with the last essay, "Purple Balloons on Market Street," because as I read the previous essays, interviews, story, etc. I kept thinking about your request that I write my own essay describing my reaction to the book and/or to your lesbianism, and I realized that while my responses have been similar to many expressed in the book, I have the added experience of having been intimately affiliated all of my life with an organization that is overtly homophobic the Mormon Church and anything I wrote would have to deal with that issue.

That last essay dealt with some of organized religion's attitudes toward homosexuality, but I'll have to go even more deeply into that issue. Denise, I don't know if other people in the Church feel that the Church is as deeply entrenched into their psyches as I do, but I suspect that many, if not most, do. Back in college, when I first considered becoming inactive in the Church and putting out of my life those doctrines and traditions and attitudes I found offensive, I was staggered at what appeared to be an overwhelmingly difficult, if not impossible, job. The image that repeatedly came into my mind was of myself tugging and pulling and straining at some huge plant that had grown inside my own body and which had sunk its roots deep, deep down into my organs and vital parts. As I finally began to loosen the tiniest tendrils of root, chunks of my blood and living tissue came loose with it. So I finally let go of that plant and for many years have lived my life trying to ignore the destructive things and appreciate the many good and uplifting aspects of the Church.

I did not want to pass on to my children a legacy of conflict and pain I wanted them to be like the people who in testimony meeting express a sure knowledge of the truthfulness of the Gospel and pure delight and thanksgiving in its power to bring joy to their lives. Maybe this was just another example of my naïve tendency to accept people and situations at face value maybe no one is that happy with the Church I don't know. But if they aren't as happy as they say they are, isn't that a symptom of a deep sickness, too? What I do know is that things didn't turn out according to my fantasy! Wow, didn't they! And I'm not sorry now, but I admit that it has been very painful at times in the past. For years I've felt that I have a special job to do with regard to the Church, and maybe I've found it. I want to finish this "essay", type it up and send it to the President of the Church along with a copy of the book. I'm sure he has already received much similar material, but one more won't hurt.

Anyway, back to my plant image. I think it conveys my feeling that the Church with all its scriptures and doctrines, (and interpretations thereof!), teachings, traditions, attitudes was inextricably one with me. In the meantime I battled issues that troubled me as they arose. In the 60s I felt the outrage provoked when President Benson's son, Reed Benson, traveled around giving talks championing the John Birch Society and implying that to be a good Mormon one needed to be a supporter of that organization. I heard him in person at Utah State University, and was at least gratified on that occasion to see that I was not the only one who was outraged. I felt the relief when President McKay disentangled the Church from the John Birch Society with his announcement that the Church does not support any political organization.

I suffered for the Blacks and shed tears of joy the day they were giving access to the Priesthood by Spencer W. Kimball. On the other hand, I read with horror President Kimball's treatment of rape in his book The Miracle of Forgiveness and wrote a grateful letter to Maxine Murdock, whose article in the October, 1981, issue of the Ensign set things straight in that area. But I still feel upset that the Church makes absolutely no effort to rectify policies publicly that book is still in print, still used as a handbook for bishops in counseling with people in their wards. I received a telephone call from one of the editors of the Ensign, after I had sent that letter, assuring me that the policy of the Church in dealing with rape victims followed not what President Kimball had written in his book, but what Sister Murdock had written in the article. I asked him if the bishops had been informed of that, and was assured that they had. But my confidence that the bishops are clear on the change of policy has been marred by the fact that the general membership of the Church has certainly not been informed of it.

I regretfully admit that I participated, albeit with misgivings, in two activities organized by the Church in our area one a march protesting the ERA which the Relief Society sisters attended en masse, and the other a house-to-house canvassing activity protesting Gay Pride Week. The latter activity was conceived and carried out, using Church channels, by a member of our ward, Rick Harrington. I have repented of the above activities because participation in them did not come from my heart. I was trying to be a good member of the Church and went against my own inner voice. Now my inclinations have grown and blossomed and become firm convictions that I am willing to stand up for publicly. (The "courage of my convictions" they call it in church meetings.)

At some point during the 70s I started to imagine what it would be like to be a gay or lesbian Mormon. The Mormon attitude toward homosexuality is clear and unequivocal: homosexuality is a sexual sin and sexual sin is second only to murder in seriousness. Any practicing homosexual is excommunicated. He or she may be counseled, prayed for, given blessings in short, given a chance to repent. But repentance carries with it a commitment on the part of the homosexual person to abandon the practice of homosexuality for the rest of his or her life. A very demanding requirement. But there are people who have made this commitment. And there are many who have done everything imaginable and some things that are unimaginable in order to "repent" and become "normal", including years of painful and frustrating counseling, and even shock therapy.

I used to wonder how I would handle the rejection, disapproval, shame, disgrace and humiliation that goes with being a gay or lesbian member of the Church. I wept on several different occasions for those unfortunate people (who were at that time nameless and faceless to me, as I did not know any homosexuals personally as far as I knew), and knew that if I were in their position, I would strongly consider suicide. I wondered how many had committed suicide. I read Carol Lynn Pearson's 1986 book, Good-bye, I Love You and wept through much of it. I told of my experience with the book to an LDS psychologist and he very deprecatingly dismissed it as so much "trash."

In the meantime, Denise, you were growing up. I noticed that you formed unusually close relationships with your friends as a child. Friends were extremely important to you, and you took very seriously your many close friendships. One of the problems you had with your sisters was that they sometimes accused you of stealing their friends. And I watched as you became closer to several of your sisters' friends than they were. I just figured you had a greater need and capacity for intimate friendships than your sisters did. Perhaps your little excursion into white makeup and black hair and clothes was your way of dealing with the question you somehow felt you would have to face (but perhaps didn't quite know why), "Can I be different and still be accepted?" I think you got your answer. Even though I had to keep staring at you and asking if you were in there someplace, and was full of bewilderment, anguish and guilt, I knew I loved you and would accept you no matter what.

It became more and more apparent that you were more interested in having women friends than men, so when you told me you thought you were lesbian, it was kind of anti-climactic. I felt glad that you had told me, sad that you hadn't felt comfortable telling me sooner,

a stab of pain that my fear had been confirmed, sorrow for you, as I felt you would have a more difficult life than you would have had otherwise. I felt pretty down the evening you told me, but when I woke up the next morning, it was OK. I think it was because I felt that you were happy. I could feel the vitality and enthusiasm you had for your life for the political, social and environmental causes you were championing, for your many friends, for your active intellectual and spiritual life, for your family and I knew you would have a rich, full and happy life. I knew and liked and admired your friends, and that is another theme of the book that struck home with me immediately the unusual warmth, intelligence, compassion and commitment of these daughters and their friends. You are a joy to be around and I love having your friends visit. I need to be around people like you to help me get off the fast track a little and savor the more real and down-to-earth pleasures in life. Perhaps these women are so wise beyond their years because they have already had to do some heavy soul-searching and suffering in their young lives in order to face themselves honestly and present themselves to the world honestly.

So even with the Church such an integral part of my life, I guess I was better prepared than many Mormon women would have been. Just during the past year I was graphically reminded of the Church's unbending position. I was attending a Primary Preparation meeting in the home of a member and the bishop was there visiting (the only Primary Preparation meeting in this ward that I remember the bishop attending). His purpose there was to read a letter from the First Presidency to the adult membership of the Church. The letter reiterated the Church's position on sexual transgression, including adultery, fornication and homosexuality. I felt angry and disgusted and considered walking out, but I didn't. I have expressed my feelings toward the Church's position in this area in a personal declaration of beliefs that I felt compelled to put together this past summer and I'd like to quote from it:

"I believe that there is nothing inherently evil about sex between consenting adults. I believe that premarital and extramarital sex are undesirable inasmuch as they have a great potential to hurt people and often do. I believe that God gave us sexuality to enjoy and to deepen the bond between loving partners. I do not believe that anyone knows why homosexuality exists, and therefore, cannot possibly condemn it with honesty. I believe that the Church's official condemnation of homosexuality has not only harmed many people, but has literally destroyed lives. I deplore it."

I think I would like to close this letter with a few quotes. The first is from the essay in the book that touched on the subject of lesbianism and religion. This is by Constance Shepard Jolly, whose daughter, Margarett, is a lesbian:

"A very positive development is that churches are beginning to recognize their obligation to counsel gays and their families, and to have support groups for them within the church [Not to help them "repent" by overcoming their homosexual tendencies, but to help them deal with any problems arising from their special circumstances.] The religious community has a special responsibility, it seems to me, to consider the biblical misinterpretation of homosexuality as "sin." My own religious conviction is to look to the inner dictates of the spirit for moral guidance. On the other hand, my upbringing and my early Bible study gave me a deep respect for the Bible. I find in Biblical teaching overwhelming persuasion on the side of love, tolerance, and affirmation of life. Jesus' harshest words are against hypocrisy. Paul's injunctions are against "unnatural" behavior.

The Kinsey Institute's statistics of the 1950's show that ten percent of Americans are homosexual. [And biologists report that a fairly constant percentage of the animal kingdom is also homosexual.] That minority of us is part of nature and of its laws, too. Can we claim to love the Creator if we despise the creation? I'm not saying that every homosexual person is without sin. Rape, child molesting, sexual coercion of any kind is sinful. But the fact is that these aberrations are far more prevalent among heterosexual males than among homosexuals of either gender."

I have become ever more aware of the struggle homosexual people are waging in order to live their lives with less pain and injustice. The United States, in particular, has heated up for this next stage of the battle for civil rights for all people. I just the other day read a little article on Martina Navratilova's response to the measure passed in Colorado preventing any future passage of laws protecting lesbians and gay men against discrimination. She says in part:

"These people [the proponents of the measure] are saying that you can be taught to be gay. Gay people can't be turned straight; the reverse is true, too. [A hypothesis I have contemplated and agree with wholeheartedly!] And the myth that we're this way by choice is ridiculous. Who would want to be gay and be ostracized and prejudiced against for most of their lives? Nobody wants that. It's not a choice."

I will feel sad if the United States as a nation institutes justice for gay men and lesbians before the Church does. Justice and mercy are two of the most precious commodities that it is the Church's mission to cherish and safeguard, and it is lagging behind the secular segment of the nation and world. I am proud to be an American, where many people, including the President of the United States, is fighting for justice for all people, regardless of race, creed, color or sexual orientation. I am not as proud to be a Mormon at this time.

Let me add that just thinking about mailing this letter to President Benson makes my heart pound with apprehension. I have heard that it is Church policy to forward letters sent by any member to a General Authority to that member's local Priesthood leadership. So in effect, I'll be coming out of the closet when this letter is sent. And it's scary, even when the "sin" is not "second only to murder." (The courage necessary for a homosexual Mormon to come out of the closet is almost incomprehensible to me I'm sure that explains why many don't, and instead marry persons of the opposite sex in order to fit the mold, thus causing lots of pain and suffering for their spouses and children.) Some leaders would say that Satan has begun to hold sway in my heart, and that is terrible enough punishment for me! All I know is, I feel very strongly about this issue, and I think I'm a decent, honest person, hopefully courageous enough to stand up for what I believe.

Denise, I love you and want you to know that my deepest desires are for your happiness and well-being, and that I will do anything in my power to help you enjoy them in your life. I'm very proud of you your integrity, compassion, commitment and courage. Just keep hangin' in there!

Article may not be reproduced or reprinted

without written permission from the author.